Maybe I just can't live the lie.
Maybe that is not me.
A resurgence, a revival, yet more pain... or mere pain...
Will I let this endless eternal pain kill me?
Or will I aceept - like most of us do- and live with it forever- mute, silent, suffering?
Will this be the only place in the world where my tears will coalesce and take the form of comprehensible (or maybe not) prose?
We all live with our private hells within us- yup, I read that awfully cliched line when I must have been 14... and have never forgotten it... yet never felt its truth till these last few days...
Yes, I know now- I have to endure silently, accept, be quiet, never talk-
For the pain will never go... but just go on.........
To ask the most oft-repeated question in the world- why me, God?
Was I singularly hand-picked for this?
This slow gradual everlasting pain....................
I' m sick of crying..and yet the tears do not stop...
Maybe just one bout of tears.... and catharsis
But nothing seems to wash away the grief
Monday, July 17, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Epiphany or A Sign from God?
Its a day to celebrate :)
I just had an epiphany.
Crazy how life sends you the answers (or at least the right questions) when you are,
oh, sooooo clueless. No, not crazy, just wonderful. Or am I being fanciful again :)
I was reading this total chick-lit book today, and the heroine was in EXACTLY the same dilemma as me.
God- she even asked the same questions. Had the same doubts.
Said the same things. She even used the same words that had been in my mind.
She found her answers (read the excerpt below).
Atleast I know my questions now... even if I don't have any answers yet.
I have never written stuff on this blog which I have read elsewhere- usually its this total personal rant, and I guess I am never at a loss for words when it comes to my endless sorrows ;)
But here goes- a long excerpt from this book- (edited to suit)
which still makes me cry even when I read it for the zillionth time.
I really have to write this here. It could be me writing this- only the author said it better ;)
ok, Acknowledgements first-
The book is called "Girls' Poker Night" by Jill A. Davis
NEED TO KNOW
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Anais Nin wrote that, not me. I think she was right- happy endings are not for cowards.
You don't need to know any of this. But the things I don't reveal are the things I hold closest and fear losing the most. I work overtime keeping them veiled and camouflaged. You don't need to know that I walk around all day fearing the things that make me happy, and that I have been doing that for my entire life.
You don't need to know that I run away from my problems. I pack up and move. I get out of Dodge before I care too much, before I risk too much.
You don't need to know that I am the world's worst poker player. I feel too bad about lying and losing.
You don't need to know that growing up has come late to me. I'm the last one at the party. But at least I've shown up.
You don't need to know that when someone confides in me, I feel needed. Unless I don't like what I'm being told. Then I give up on you. No matter how you might have changed. No matter how repentant you are. No matter how much loss you feel. No matter how much like me you are. What I need is something to hold against you. Because if I don't have that, I will be crushed when you go away.
You don't need to know about the time I was sitting a few feet away from him and he said, "Shhh. . . quiet." And I said, "What?" And he said, "I can hear your heart murmur from over here. Turn it down a notch, would ya?"
You don't need to know about the note he left me. How it was unfolded on my chair, waiting for me late one night.
You don't need to know that I kept that stupid note in the pocket of my backpack for a month. To see if it meant something. To see if there were clues about us.
I just had an epiphany.
Crazy how life sends you the answers (or at least the right questions) when you are,
oh, sooooo clueless. No, not crazy, just wonderful. Or am I being fanciful again :)
I was reading this total chick-lit book today, and the heroine was in EXACTLY the same dilemma as me.
God- she even asked the same questions. Had the same doubts.
Said the same things. She even used the same words that had been in my mind.
She found her answers (read the excerpt below).
Atleast I know my questions now... even if I don't have any answers yet.
I have never written stuff on this blog which I have read elsewhere- usually its this total personal rant, and I guess I am never at a loss for words when it comes to my endless sorrows ;)
But here goes- a long excerpt from this book- (edited to suit)
which still makes me cry even when I read it for the zillionth time.
I really have to write this here. It could be me writing this- only the author said it better ;)
ok, Acknowledgements first-
The book is called "Girls' Poker Night" by Jill A. Davis
NEED TO KNOW
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." Anais Nin wrote that, not me. I think she was right- happy endings are not for cowards.
You don't need to know any of this. But the things I don't reveal are the things I hold closest and fear losing the most. I work overtime keeping them veiled and camouflaged. You don't need to know that I walk around all day fearing the things that make me happy, and that I have been doing that for my entire life.
You don't need to know that I run away from my problems. I pack up and move. I get out of Dodge before I care too much, before I risk too much.
You don't need to know that I am the world's worst poker player. I feel too bad about lying and losing.
You don't need to know that growing up has come late to me. I'm the last one at the party. But at least I've shown up.
You don't need to know that when someone confides in me, I feel needed. Unless I don't like what I'm being told. Then I give up on you. No matter how you might have changed. No matter how repentant you are. No matter how much loss you feel. No matter how much like me you are. What I need is something to hold against you. Because if I don't have that, I will be crushed when you go away.
You don't need to know about the time I was sitting a few feet away from him and he said, "Shhh. . . quiet." And I said, "What?" And he said, "I can hear your heart murmur from over here. Turn it down a notch, would ya?"
You don't need to know about the note he left me. How it was unfolded on my chair, waiting for me late one night.
You don't need to know that I kept that stupid note in the pocket of my backpack for a month. To see if it meant something. To see if there were clues about us.
You don't need to know that I'm telling myself to stay when I feel like leaving. Because leaving is easy, and staying takes work. But in the midst of the work, I might lose some of my fear.
You don't need to know that up until I met him, my life's goal was self-preservation. And that when I met him, self-preservation felt genuinely lonely.
When you run into love and it seems like some psychedelic mystery, look at it again, and again, and keep looking at it until you realize the only mystery is how you've gotten by so long without it.
You really, really don't need to know about the kiss on the elevator. But it was nice, and his coat felt new. And when I think about that- I'm filled with regret for not telling him everything he didn't need to know but should have known.
You don't need to know that up until I met him, my life's goal was self-preservation. And that when I met him, self-preservation felt genuinely lonely.
When you run into love and it seems like some psychedelic mystery, look at it again, and again, and keep looking at it until you realize the only mystery is how you've gotten by so long without it.
You really, really don't need to know about the kiss on the elevator. But it was nice, and his coat felt new. And when I think about that- I'm filled with regret for not telling him everything he didn't need to know but should have known.
Permanent Denial versus Progress
Yes, the pain does get better.
But how?
Is it simply because I refuse to acknowledge its existence any longer?
Am I running away... running away from facing up to my screwed up existence, and trying to find answers-
Okay, so the last few rants have been about the never ending pain- and have i progressed :)
Going out, incessant partying, dinner, people, people, people-
Just don't leave me alone with myself anymore
Anything to stop the thinking
Should I lie on the couch and read a book, or should I confront my personal demons?
You get the point.
And I have realized that it is easy. Frighteningly so.
Its very easy to accept to reject the pain. The horror.
Its very easy to live the lie.
But how?
Is it simply because I refuse to acknowledge its existence any longer?
Am I running away... running away from facing up to my screwed up existence, and trying to find answers-
Okay, so the last few rants have been about the never ending pain- and have i progressed :)
Going out, incessant partying, dinner, people, people, people-
Just don't leave me alone with myself anymore
Anything to stop the thinking
Should I lie on the couch and read a book, or should I confront my personal demons?
You get the point.
And I have realized that it is easy. Frighteningly so.
Its very easy to accept to reject the pain. The horror.
Its very easy to live the lie.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Duvidha
Duvidha,
Dilemma,
Kashmakash...
Life- a maze of alternatives. Choices at every step.
And my futile attempts to find the right path.
How do I know what to do?
Filled with conflict, hate, love...
So what choice do I make?
Only the light of goodness to show my path...
fading under the strain of compromise.
Is there a right way?
Is there a way out?
Do I even want a way out?
There are no answers...
Just a lot of bleak black sorrow
There are actually no tomorrows left.
I can only wonder...
Does the pain ever stop?????
Dilemma,
Kashmakash...
Life- a maze of alternatives. Choices at every step.
And my futile attempts to find the right path.
How do I know what to do?
Filled with conflict, hate, love...
So what choice do I make?
Only the light of goodness to show my path...
fading under the strain of compromise.
Is there a right way?
Is there a way out?
Do I even want a way out?
There are no answers...
Just a lot of bleak black sorrow
There are actually no tomorrows left.
I can only wonder...
Does the pain ever stop?????
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Honesty
All of us, as women, and individuals, have to make so many choices in life...
and at every step, it is only what we honestly believe in that is worth choosing and pursuing.
It is but one life, and we owe it to ourselves to do the best we can and not compromise..
which is something I did.
And I can never forgive myself for it.
and at every step, it is only what we honestly believe in that is worth choosing and pursuing.
It is but one life, and we owe it to ourselves to do the best we can and not compromise..
which is something I did.
And I can never forgive myself for it.
Sorry I Murdered Myself
Kismat...Jo likha thha wo ho gaya..wo kiya maine.
Maine hi kiya- ya khud ho gaya?Kya mere bas me thha..
aaj hazaar khayal aate hain- ki mai rok leti, badal deti apni kismat...
Shayad mere hi haathon se mere apne zameer ka khoon likha thha...
Haan- maine hi kiya, mujhse hi hua hai katl-
aur kisi ko kya dosh doon jab maine khud apni awaaz nahi suni
Mai chillati rahi, par maine khud hi apna gala ghot diya
chup kara diya sachchai ko
Jab mai hi sachchai ke liye nahi lad saki
to aur kisi ko kya dosh doon..
Jab maine hi buraai ka saath diya...
maine hi to galti ki
Mera to zameer thha - maar daala
yun hi khoon kar diya
aur usko maarkar mai jee sakti hoon kya...
har pal aatm-hatya
har pal ek maut
haan- mai to har pal ek maut jee rahi hoon
Kitne dinon se zindagi me dard ka ehsaas nahi thha
ab aisa dard hai ki aur kuchh nahi raha
na zindagi, na ehsaas
bas ek besahara, laachaar si zindagi
jo kisi bhi maut se kahin buri hai
jab khud apna vishwaas tod diya-
to kisi se kya gila
jab khud se sachchai nahi ki
to aur kisi se kya ummeed
haan- mere hi to haathon mera khoon hua hai...
Maine hi kiya- ya khud ho gaya?Kya mere bas me thha..
aaj hazaar khayal aate hain- ki mai rok leti, badal deti apni kismat...
Shayad mere hi haathon se mere apne zameer ka khoon likha thha...
Haan- maine hi kiya, mujhse hi hua hai katl-
aur kisi ko kya dosh doon jab maine khud apni awaaz nahi suni
Mai chillati rahi, par maine khud hi apna gala ghot diya
chup kara diya sachchai ko
Jab mai hi sachchai ke liye nahi lad saki
to aur kisi ko kya dosh doon..
Jab maine hi buraai ka saath diya...
maine hi to galti ki
Mera to zameer thha - maar daala
yun hi khoon kar diya
aur usko maarkar mai jee sakti hoon kya...
har pal aatm-hatya
har pal ek maut
haan- mai to har pal ek maut jee rahi hoon
Kitne dinon se zindagi me dard ka ehsaas nahi thha
ab aisa dard hai ki aur kuchh nahi raha
na zindagi, na ehsaas
bas ek besahara, laachaar si zindagi
jo kisi bhi maut se kahin buri hai
jab khud apna vishwaas tod diya-
to kisi se kya gila
jab khud se sachchai nahi ki
to aur kisi se kya ummeed
haan- mere hi to haathon mera khoon hua hai...
Monday, May 22, 2006
The Lowest Ebb
The last few days have been the lowest I have ever reached in life. Ever.
And the most painful. Ever.
So, I've been desperate earlier. And wretched. And miserable.
Yet, little did I know that there would be a blacker day. The blackest of them all. Here to stay.
This time around, there are no choices. No escape. Nothing.
Yes, I have fought. All my life I have fought.
Now, I have nothing left to fight for.
I dreamt. I believed. I had faith.
There is nothing left to believe in.
For the first time in my life, I had to clench my fists to stop myself from going and picking up a packet of sleeping pills from the drawer. I laid with my hands clenched tight to stop.
STOP!
Never needed to end my life. Now, there is no life to end.
That is why I am writing this, right now. Anything to stop me reaching up to those pills.
How long can I stop myself.
I am breaking down.
My tears have not stopped for the last three hours.
And they won't for the rest of my life.
Things can go so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong
God, Can I please die?
Just an immensely corroded soul.
No spirit.
God, Can I please die?
And the most painful. Ever.
So, I've been desperate earlier. And wretched. And miserable.
Yet, little did I know that there would be a blacker day. The blackest of them all. Here to stay.
This time around, there are no choices. No escape. Nothing.
Yes, I have fought. All my life I have fought.
Now, I have nothing left to fight for.
I dreamt. I believed. I had faith.
There is nothing left to believe in.
For the first time in my life, I had to clench my fists to stop myself from going and picking up a packet of sleeping pills from the drawer. I laid with my hands clenched tight to stop.
STOP!
Never needed to end my life. Now, there is no life to end.
That is why I am writing this, right now. Anything to stop me reaching up to those pills.
How long can I stop myself.
I am breaking down.
My tears have not stopped for the last three hours.
And they won't for the rest of my life.
Things can go so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong so wrong
God, Can I please die?
Just an immensely corroded soul.
No spirit.
God, Can I please die?
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Shit Happens! & Life Sucks!
Two of the most utterly true truisms I have ever come across.
And totally totally American too!!
But yes, so very true. Shit does happen to us all. And life DOES suck.
Big-time, Majorly, Royally.
Am so sick and tired. Tired of fighting. It just does not stop.
Life just keeps sending in one royal kick after another.
Am sick of getting up and fighting. And again. And again...and again.
I give up...
God, Please have mercy...I can not take these continuous setbacks anymore.
One after another after another...
Will it ever end!
Or will life just be a long painful fight... in which I have already lost!
Will the fight ever ever ever end?
Can I please stop being kicked??????????
I can't get up anymore...............................
And totally totally American too!!
But yes, so very true. Shit does happen to us all. And life DOES suck.
Big-time, Majorly, Royally.
Am so sick and tired. Tired of fighting. It just does not stop.
Life just keeps sending in one royal kick after another.
Am sick of getting up and fighting. And again. And again...and again.
I give up...
God, Please have mercy...I can not take these continuous setbacks anymore.
One after another after another...
Will it ever end!
Or will life just be a long painful fight... in which I have already lost!
Will the fight ever ever ever end?
Can I please stop being kicked??????????
I can't get up anymore...............................
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Dreams and More...
How often in life do we wonder, about our dreams and about our right to dream...
Are we justified in doing so? In holding on to our sapne even though each and every one has broken...and broken us...over these years...
Is it worth the pain and heartache? These accummulated years of dreaming? How many of us still hold on? Or give in to skepticism, cynicism and disillusionment?
It is a HUGE risk...to pursue your dreams. Because that makes you in charge of your own destiny. And, OMIGOD, who wants that responsibility...
It is the vulnerability to believe, the openness to hurt, the naive faith in goodness... or, in other words, foolishness...
It is having stars in your eyes on the deepest daarkest nights, it is believing that your cherished hopes WILL happen...and you wait, wait...wait............
There are questions and doubts, there is lingering hope... Thank God for both its Elasticity and resilience :)
When every prayer is a hope, when every breath is a dream...
and yet........
Kehte hain ki wo na khaali jayegi,
Aah jo dil se nikaali jayegi
true, or not?
Do dreams come true?
Are we justified in doing so? In holding on to our sapne even though each and every one has broken...and broken us...over these years...
Is it worth the pain and heartache? These accummulated years of dreaming? How many of us still hold on? Or give in to skepticism, cynicism and disillusionment?
It is a HUGE risk...to pursue your dreams. Because that makes you in charge of your own destiny. And, OMIGOD, who wants that responsibility...
It is the vulnerability to believe, the openness to hurt, the naive faith in goodness... or, in other words, foolishness...
It is having stars in your eyes on the deepest daarkest nights, it is believing that your cherished hopes WILL happen...and you wait, wait...wait............
There are questions and doubts, there is lingering hope... Thank God for both its Elasticity and resilience :)
When every prayer is a hope, when every breath is a dream...
and yet........
Kehte hain ki wo na khaali jayegi,
Aah jo dil se nikaali jayegi
true, or not?
Do dreams come true?
Friday, April 07, 2006
Bebasi aur Kuchh Baatein
What are those things in life that make us helpless? Laachhar. Bebas.
Out of Control?
Aisi kuchh to cheezein hain...zindagi ke kuchh aise mod, kuchh aisi pareshaaniyaan, kuchh aisi he...
jo ekdum dil se dum nichod lein (to all Harry Potter addicts, we all have our personal Dementors)
Our these reasons of our own making? How much of our own lives do we have in control? And how much do we not? And what can we do to make it so?
I have just realized that most of want makes me unhappy is so because I made it so. Not just my thinking that way- but also me doing such stuff that would contribute to problems. Maybe it is lack of foresight, maybe sheer stupidity, maybe getting carried away. Maybe just not knowing better.
But with this comes the knowledge that I can do something- Yes, learn from my mistakes. Not make the same mistakes again. Do better. Improve.
Maybe this time the desperation will be controllable. The ability to take charge of some part of my life, at least.
Responsibility-for myself. The ability to respond.
Do I have it?
Out of Control?
Aisi kuchh to cheezein hain...zindagi ke kuchh aise mod, kuchh aisi pareshaaniyaan, kuchh aisi he...
jo ekdum dil se dum nichod lein (to all Harry Potter addicts, we all have our personal Dementors)
Our these reasons of our own making? How much of our own lives do we have in control? And how much do we not? And what can we do to make it so?
I have just realized that most of want makes me unhappy is so because I made it so. Not just my thinking that way- but also me doing such stuff that would contribute to problems. Maybe it is lack of foresight, maybe sheer stupidity, maybe getting carried away. Maybe just not knowing better.
But with this comes the knowledge that I can do something- Yes, learn from my mistakes. Not make the same mistakes again. Do better. Improve.
Maybe this time the desperation will be controllable. The ability to take charge of some part of my life, at least.
Responsibility-for myself. The ability to respond.
Do I have it?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Masochism and Hope
Kitna filmi title hai na! But the pain of waiting for a phone that never rings...
Aisa kyun hota hai..
Why can one not relegate him to the depths of hell... and get on with one's work? Kaisa intezaar, kaisi bebasi.
And the realization ki ye laachaargi is only one-sided, he isn't staring at the phone and praying for it to ring...willing it to ring...
He is NOT waiting......
Is this good...to find somebody so utterly necessary to your existence as a human being? Or bad? For the pain is self-inflicted.
Love has to be the most extreme form of masochism.
Aisa kyun hota hai..
Why can one not relegate him to the depths of hell... and get on with one's work? Kaisa intezaar, kaisi bebasi.
And the realization ki ye laachaargi is only one-sided, he isn't staring at the phone and praying for it to ring...willing it to ring...
He is NOT waiting......
Is this good...to find somebody so utterly necessary to your existence as a human being? Or bad? For the pain is self-inflicted.
Love has to be the most extreme form of masochism.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
OOOTTAFAGVSH
Oh Oh Oh...to touch and feel a girl's...
How many of us know the above famous mnemonic...to remember all the important nerves. I think I was somewhere in early grade school when I came to know of the existence of this mnemonic. AND it was only later, when I read "Doctors" that I realized its true meaning (and WORTH ;)
Interesting, huh?
How many of us know the above famous mnemonic...to remember all the important nerves. I think I was somewhere in early grade school when I came to know of the existence of this mnemonic. AND it was only later, when I read "Doctors" that I realized its true meaning (and WORTH ;)
Interesting, huh?
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Zindagi...aur kuchh sawaal
Yahaan kisi ko mukammal jahaan nahi milta,
Kabhi zameen to kabhi aasmaan nahi milta
Yunhi kuchh umeedein, kuchh bachi-khuchi aas...
aise hi saanson ke tukdon par poori zindagi tiki hui hai
Kitni nazuk, kitni laachaar...
Yunhi lagta hai...ki ik khwahish hi har sawaal ka jawaab hai,
har bebasi ka ilaaj hai...
par kya khabar ki tamannaon me tamanna chhupi hai...
aur phir zindagi ek aur khwaab par tiki, ruki...
aise hi har sawaal ka jawaab milega...ek aur sawaal, ek aur pareshaani,
yunhi har zindagi me basi rahegi, ik nayi zindagaani
shayad yahi mera jawaab hai
ki zindagi hi khwaab hai........................
Kabhi zameen to kabhi aasmaan nahi milta
Yunhi kuchh umeedein, kuchh bachi-khuchi aas...
aise hi saanson ke tukdon par poori zindagi tiki hui hai
Kitni nazuk, kitni laachaar...
Yunhi lagta hai...ki ik khwahish hi har sawaal ka jawaab hai,
har bebasi ka ilaaj hai...
par kya khabar ki tamannaon me tamanna chhupi hai...
aur phir zindagi ek aur khwaab par tiki, ruki...
aise hi har sawaal ka jawaab milega...ek aur sawaal, ek aur pareshaani,
yunhi har zindagi me basi rahegi, ik nayi zindagaani
shayad yahi mera jawaab hai
ki zindagi hi khwaab hai........................
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
The Irreversible Passage
Today's blog is just for the sake of continuity. Since I have not been writing in for a long time, I thought I should be. So here I am, spewing nonsense about nothing at all.
That, I honestly think, is one of the greatest abilities of anybody, especially anybody related to the social sciences. And NO, I do not mean to be derogatory by that, only complimentary.
Often I wish I had that ability..to be able to spew out words of (atleast) four syllables and string them along, convolute them and combine then to seemingly make sense. And yet, when probed and pierced apart, what remain are not even the vestiges of comprehensible coherence. Only in the first place, it should sound so totally intertwined that nobody even tries a closer perspective.
This is a unique style of eloquence, wherein issues, concepts and such other abstract notions are talked about. I need to be able to master that, an eloquence that is unparalleled in its ambivalence and equivocality. To be able to argue for and against in the same sentence, and equally coherently, and also making complete (non) sense is a goal to be aspired to.
I see and admire this quality. This ability to string together abstract notions and concepts with seeming clarity and lucidity. It is this acceptance and owning of concepts that I look forward to.
Maybe it requires an understanding of deeper issues and considerations, along with a critical evaluative attitude towards the assumptions and presumptions of the implicit and explicit underpinnings of the subject, accompanied with an objective viewpoint of the same.
After reading the above passage, maybe I am getting there :)
That, I honestly think, is one of the greatest abilities of anybody, especially anybody related to the social sciences. And NO, I do not mean to be derogatory by that, only complimentary.
Often I wish I had that ability..to be able to spew out words of (atleast) four syllables and string them along, convolute them and combine then to seemingly make sense. And yet, when probed and pierced apart, what remain are not even the vestiges of comprehensible coherence. Only in the first place, it should sound so totally intertwined that nobody even tries a closer perspective.
This is a unique style of eloquence, wherein issues, concepts and such other abstract notions are talked about. I need to be able to master that, an eloquence that is unparalleled in its ambivalence and equivocality. To be able to argue for and against in the same sentence, and equally coherently, and also making complete (non) sense is a goal to be aspired to.
I see and admire this quality. This ability to string together abstract notions and concepts with seeming clarity and lucidity. It is this acceptance and owning of concepts that I look forward to.
Maybe it requires an understanding of deeper issues and considerations, along with a critical evaluative attitude towards the assumptions and presumptions of the implicit and explicit underpinnings of the subject, accompanied with an objective viewpoint of the same.
After reading the above passage, maybe I am getting there :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)